They told me I was too thin, and then told me that I was too big.
They said “with your frame, you just can’t pull off carrying extra weight.”
By gaining some weight, I had finally got my period again after years of not having it.
I left the office of the artistic director of the ballet company where I was dancing and thought to myself “f this shit.”
At that point, my body had been through so many extremes and I was unwilling to put it through anymore. I was DONE.
I had no idea what I would do when I left the ballet world, I just knew I couldn’t continue to put my body through this hell anymore.
The next few years were not easy.
I gained weight and panicked as I lost control. I realized I had never been as “in control” as I thought I was.
I had no idea how to eat “normally.”
I only had 2 approaches to food: either I was controlling what I ate in order to lose weight, or I was completely out of control.
But I was committed to finding freedom and I KNEW there had to be another way. I could not accept that this enslaved relationship to food was my destiny.
I was willing to stay committed to healing even when I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated my body.
I was willing to stay committed to healing even when I had gained weight and felt like a complete failure.
I was willing to stay committed to healing even when it meant my body was unacceptable to the standards of the ballet world.
I was willing to stay committed to healing even when I felt sick and disgusted after eating 7 different desserts.
Being enslaved by food is not your destiny. If you have even felt a GLIMMER of hope that there’s another possible way, CLING TO IT.
Don’t let anyone convince you that there’s something wrong with you or that you should be ashamed of yourself.
Trust that you are healing. Trust that this is NOT your destiny. Do not give up on yourself. There is a life beyond this that you were always meant to have and you are ON YOUR WAY TOWARDS IT 💪🏻✨🙏🏻💕